How to deal with toxic people becasue they are everywhere
Folks, I lied. I don't really know how to deal with these people, and it seems it is always a learning process because people are unique, and you never find one that is identical to the other. Toxic people and bulliness are ego personality disorders, and every one of them is just a little different. They are all tied to an egotistic pathology of some sort. Aggressiveness, lack of empathy, and narcissistic personality types are all part of the same pathologic process. I'm always amazed at how people are so unique.
Some bullies are control freaks but not overly mean or cruel; others are cruel. Some have dabs of bipolar personality disorder and have wild mood swings. In the end, they are people who are unhappy and starving for love and attention, even though they don't even know it. They are insecure, or they might have an intense fear of failure because they know they are not very good at anything. But the outcome is always similar. They intend to bully you in hopes they can fulfill their internal egotistic confusion.
So, here are some suggestions on how to deal with toxic people; you can try them at work or next time you're at Thanksgiving dinner with your family and meet again with Uncle Bully. Never get mad. And I mean, you should always try never to get mad at a bully. Because you'll be giving him exactly what he desperately needs and wants. If you get mad, you'll lose, and the bully wins.
Let me say a few things about being mad. Being mad is when you buy the bullshit that is being sold to you. And you pay a heavy price for it, too. When you are mad, you have simply lost your stability, you raise your blood pressure, your mind becomes foggy, and you can't think straight and run right into danger; you can't see anything. You lose all your power, and you fall right into the bully's trap.
If you can master one skill and one skill only, master the skill of not getting mad. This is a known phenomenon in martial arts. If you get mad, you'll give your opponent your precious power. You have to be entirely emotionally uninvolved. And that is the most challenging part. We are, by default, designed to get involved and get emotional. Once you master the art of not getting involved, you'll be halfway there.
The bully knows well that making you mad has power—lots of power—and that is precisely how the bully's structure functions. For whatever reason, the ego wants action and power, and making you mad has a lot of both.
You have to imagine that the person who is bullying you is crazy or all of it is just a movie and not real. Use whatever strategy that will keep you away from getting angry. You'll get sucked in every time. This is one of the most difficult skills to achieve. But if you don't get angry, something interesting will happen. The bully will get angry instead, and the effect will work in reverse and to your advantage. The calmer you are, the more destabilized the bully will become.
The second part of how to deal with toxic people and bullies is that you can't have a regular relationship with people who betray your confidence every time. You can give a bully the benefit of the doubt because I think you should be fair to people and give them a chance. People do have bad days. But if you notice a recurrent pattern, you need to change your relationship mode with this person. Even if it sometimes seems you are being unfair to him or her.
The bully will be nice some days. He is in a good mood. And you open up to him, laugh and participate in the good mood moments. And to your surprise, when you least expect, the bully will snap at you again when you thought he was finally your friend. Sounds familiar?
Bullies are like the Mafia in action. "Hey, be nice to me, and I'll be nice to you. Do what I want, but if you don't, I'll kick your ass."
That is a common pattern of the bully personality. They set traps. They cultivate your confidence so they can seize control of you again because when you are friendly, you open yourself up, and that is the best moment to go in and screw with your emotions. NO!
You have to be firm with a bully all the time. Don't ever befriend a bully. Be courteous and not mad. Say the truth with the most stone-faced ever. Don't be angry and raise your voice. Just say what you need to say. Unfortunately, even when the bully is being nice to you, you can't warm up to him because if you do, you'll be walking right into the bully's trap. Resist.
Bullies might never stop being a bully, and even though I would love for bullies to go into remission, I'm not here to tell you how to save a bully. I'm trying to show you how to deal with them so you don't get hurt.
If you do the things I say, the bully most likely will not interact with you too much because he knows you'll be a terrible candidate for his bullyness and will probably leave you alone. At that point, you'll most likely have a better relationship with the bully, but you'll always have to be on the alert and keep the bully at a certain distance, or you'll be giving him an opportunity to engage in the same old toxic relationship with you. Bullies bring this unfortunate situation onto themselves.
Have a happy bully, bully-free day.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio
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